Lost
by Ash-Varnei
Summary: AU. Tony didn't survive Afghanistan and what followed as unscathed as everyone thought, but he's been hiding, slipping further and further into the darkness that is threatening to take him. When Pepper finds him drunk, his lab half- destroyed, she knows something needs to change. Pre-Iron Man 2. Pepperony.


**So this oneshot is also based on an epic omegle roleplay, edited into story form. I once again played Tony, and Pepper was played awesomely by a girl who wishes to remain anonymous ;). So basically, please remember that this isn't all mine, only Tony's POV is, when you read this. **

**Usual disclaimer applies.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The lab was a mess of smashed glass and tools and metal. Tony sat in the centre of the room, a glass of scotch in his hand, his head pounding. He grimaced at the sound of the lab door sliding open, but ignored it in favour of downing the rest of his drink.

"Mr. Stark?" Pepper was used to seeing the lab a mess, but this was getting out of hand. How anyone could work in such a mess was beyond her. "I need to talk to you about a couple of things." She steered over the mess and tried to hand him a pile of papers.

Tony staggered to his feet as she moved towards him, frowning at her blankly. "Busy..." he muttered unconvincingly, stumbling slightly and dropping the glass which shattered at his feet to join the rest of the mess on the floor.

"Well Mr. Stark, this can't really wait." Pepper was frowning now, tired of her boss drinking instead of being responsible. "Everyone in the country is calling about these and I need you to sign the papers so I can send them out."

Tony stared at her for a second before manoeuvring around her to grab the bottle of scotch from the desk. "What do they want this time?" he asked tiredly, rubbing a hand across his face before taking a gulp from the bottle. He could sense Pepper's disapproval, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now. So what if he was drinking away his problems? He had to deal with way more crap than most people...

He was cut off when Pepper angrily snatched the bottle away from him and thrust the papers in his hand in return. "You need to sign those. They're forms for your stock broker and a few other people." She was using up all of her self control to not throw the bottle to the floor.

Tony scowled petulantly at her, ignoring the sheaf of papers in his hand. He couldn't remember where he'd put his pen anyway. "Gimme that... Pepper..." he mumbled. She was getting angrier... he could tell that easily. Maybe if he just got her to breaking point it would all be over quicker - she'd get sick of him and leave, permanently this time, like everyone else had. Tony kept scowling to mask the wave of emotion that came with that thought.

Pepper stood her ground. Tony always was difficult, and she was the only one she knew who wouldn't take his shit, at least not all of it. "I think you've had enough scotch for this afternoon Tony."

"...What else am I supposed to do?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them and replace them with something more sarky and less desperate. He winced.

Pepper was surprised, she had never realized that his drinking was actually a problem. "You're supposed to stop hiding in a bottle and deal with things Tony." Pepper instantly wished she hadn't sounded so harsh.

"Deal with it? You think I wouldn't if I could?" Tony laughed humourlessly. "I can't, Pepper. I've tried," he told her hollowly, his voice devoid of emotion. "It doesn't work like that."

Guilt from her words hit Pepper like a train. "Tony, you're strong, you can do this. Maybe you can talk to someone, a psychiatrist, or anyone.?" Pepper's eyes began to water, 'keep it together girl,' she told herself. She looked up at Tony, "You can talk to me too..."

Tony had started to scowl at the mention of going to a shrink -_ like they'd be able to help _- and then his brain processed the rest of Pepper's sentence. He looked up at her, noting the tears forming in her eyes, and turned away again, swallowing hard. He knew deep down that Pepper was the only person he'd ever be able to talk to... to trust like that... he'd known that for a while. But he didn't want to burden her with the crap on his mind, the guilt, the pressures, the nightmares, the real reasons for his destructive and drunken behaviour. She wouldn't understand. "I got it under control," he lied.

Pepper couldn't hold in her scoff, "Under control?" She gestured to the giant mess around her feet, "This is a direct result of you having things 'under control.' And I can't watch you do this to yourself Tony. You're all I have."

The complete honesty and feeling in her words made Tony turn back to face her slowly, seeing the same emotions in her face. He'd been preparing himself to lie, to send her away and return to his scotch, but the words wouldn't come because he knew he couldn't do that to her... not now.

The walls, the layers upon layers of shields he'd worked so hard to maintain crumbled around him to allow her to see the broken man behind. "I can't... I... I can't..." he managed to rasp out.

Pepper took one look at Tony, that face that had always looked so strong, now so sad and broken, and she broke down. Tears streaming down her face she let the bottle of scotch drop to the floor throwing her hands up to cover her face, the bottle shattering at her feet.

Tony stared at her in a daze for a minute before stumbling towards her, the papers in his hand falling to the floor. He could feel panic rising in his chest and tried to force it back down, searching for his usual confidence but unable to find it. "Pepper?" He reached her and stood in front of her helplessly. "Pepper?" He asked urgently, tentatively reaching a hand out towards her.

Pepper kept her face covered and hung her head. For the first time in her life, had no clue how to help him. "Tony, I don't know what to do with you. You keep holding everyone at arm's length , including me, and I can't help you if you refuse to let me in." She was close to sobs now and Tony had no idea what to do, he felt lost, powerless to comfort her in anyway. He was broken, weak, how could he help her?

"I..." he couldn't keep his thoughts straight, could barely process what was being said to him... he stepped closer to Pepper, choking on his words in an attempt to get them out right. "I... I don't know how."

Pepper finally let herself wrap her arms tightly around him, burying her face in his shoulder. "I love you Tony, and you keep slipping away from me, and you need to let me help you," she managed to let the words out between her sobs.

Tony's arms came up automatically to wrap around her shaking form, even as the rest of him froze at her words. She _loved_ him. She loved _him_. He couldn't fathom it - he was dangerous, broken, destructive... lost. "How, Pepper?" he asked, his voice raw and honest. Because he couldn't see a way out of this darkness... and he'd been trying for so damn long...

Pepper tightened her embrace, hanging on as if he would disappear the moment she let go. "Talk to me Tony. Tell me what you're hiding from. Please..." Pepper realized that she was losing him. She was losing him, and she couldn't lose him. If Tony was lost, so was she.

Tony was silent for a moment, his thoughts running around inside his brain as he attempted to make sense of it all. He wanted to tell her, but he'd never opened up to anyone in this way before. He had no experience... but then he opened his mouth and the words came tumbling out non-stop. "I don't know what I'm doing any more, Pep. I became Iron Man because it was what I needed to do... it was the only way forward I could see... it was my only escape. But it went wrong then... Yinsen... he died to save me. He... he gave me a reason to keep living, to save people from what I was doing before... but it's not enough... and I'm not enough... you almost died... Obie fucking betrayed me and I don't know what... what I'm doing any more Pepper."

Pepper started to rub his back, but didn't loosen her embrace. "Tony... You have done so much since you've become Iron Man. You didn't have to save all of these people, or protect us. You choose to do those things Tony, because you are the best man that I know." She felt the tears starting to come back. "Obadiah was a sick, corrupt, moustache-twirling, greedy business man Tony. He was willing to put his needs above everyone else's. You've never once let your morals slip for selfish reasons."

Tony shook his head desperately, trying to get her to understand. "It's... there's always more Pepper... I haven't done enough... there's always more and I try so hard to do it right but they always want more and..." His voice broke as the emotions he'd been forcing back for so long washed over him. His frantic pace slowed until his words were even and steady, his voice low and hoarse with pain. "Everyone sees me as Iron Man or how I was before and I just... I'm not just that... but I don't even know who I am any more." He was silent for a long moment. "I don't deserve you. I'm broken, dangerous. Everyone around me gets hurt."

Pepper took a step back, still holding on to him, and looked up into his big brown puppy dog eyes. "You've done more than any of us Tony." She let her hands slide down his arms to grasp his hands. "We don't expect you to sacrifice everything to be Iron Man." Pepper desperately tried to find the right words. "You've been keeping us all away, afraid to get close." She paused. "And you do deserve me Tony. I meant it when I said you were the best man I knew. If anything I'm afraid I'm not going to be enough for you."

Tony frowned in confusion. "That's not true Pepper. I love you," he said simply. "But you'll get hurt if you stay with me."

Pepper let out a bit of sigh. "Tony, when are you going to understand. You are worth it Tony. It's not a guarantee that I'll get hurt by staying close to you, and if I do, I wouldn't want it any other way." She looked straight into his eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, and to hell with the risk."

Tony stood stock still, staring at her straightly, his head pounding. "You really mean that?" he asked softly after a long pause. "Cos once this starts I'm not gonna be able to let you go..." he trailed off, dark eyes staring into her blue ones, not daring to move.

As she chuckled a smile flitted across her face, making her eyes sparkle, "Tony, you haven't been able to let me go since I started working for you. I haven't left yet, and I'm not going any time soon. You've had me since day one."

"This is different Pepper. This is me... I've changed and even I don't know where I am. But I know I wouldn't survive if I lost you." He was calm now, the frantic, desperate wash of words and emotions dying down and he could finally think straight, he was totally serious, his gaze not faltering as he stared at her.

Pepper was surprised for a moment, realising that this was the first time ever that they were having a serious conversation. "I wouldn't survive without you too, you know. I told you, you're all I have." She paused a moment. "When you were being held in Afghanistan," Pepper's eyes started tearing up again. "I cried myself to sleep every night, at least the nights I got any sleep at all." She wondered if she should go on with the details, the panic attacks, the many drunken nights trying to keep herself preoccupied. "It nearly killed me to get that close to losing you."

Tony blinked and swallowed thickly in an effort to stop the memories of his captivity springing up, instead focusing on remembering how Pepper had been when he'd returned... he remembered remarking that her eyes were red, but it had been quickly blown away by their usual banter... and he'd been too preoccupied to think anything more of it. He should have done, judging by what she was saying... but now the memories were surfacing... endless days in those dark caves with dreams of home and Pepper... "You were what kept me going," he admitted finally. The details that he'd refused to tell anyone came forward then. "Whenever I slept I dreamt of you, of us... if I was lucky..." and hadn't been having nightmares was left unspoken. He broke her gaze as he continued, "They tried so hard to break me y'know... you were all I had to keep me going."

"You dreamt of us?" Pepper flung herself into his arms, again, holding as tight as she could, openly crying again. She let out a little laugh between her sobs. "We're both such idiots, we've been in love for ages and were both too wrapped up in what we were doing to notice." She just shook her head. "Promise me that you'll let me help you?"

Tony managed to hug back this time, rubbing her back gently as she cried. His first genuine smile in a long time crossed his face. "I promise," he whispered, unable to say any more.

It had been what seemed like forever since Pepper had seen him smile like that, so she couldn't help but lean up and kiss him. "We're going to fix this one Tony, trust me."

"I do. I always have," he replied. He felt slightly giddy, the darkness that had been weighing down on him for so long receding. "You have no idea how much I love you Pepper," he added a few seconds later.

"Oh don't start that Tony," Pepper smiled and laughed, tears coming again, but these were much happier tears. "I think I've cried enough today." She couldn't stop smiling now. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember. I'm pretty sure that I fell in love with you when you interviewed me for the job."

Tony smiled again, a hint of mischief in his eyes. "I've wasted a lot of time then," he murmured, leaning forward to kiss her gently. He couldn't remember last time life had felt so good... so peaceful... so worth it. Sure he still had a truck-load of issues they still had to work through, but he was ready now.

Pepper let herself get lost in his kiss for a moment. "You've wasted far too much time." She gazed into his eyes, losing herself there too. "I know that look Tony. You're up to something." Pepper smiled slightly. "Tell me what you're thinking, I can never quite tell."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "I'm not up to anything, Potts." He was fully relaxed now, and working back to his normal self. "I'm just thinking about the... our future." He couldn't remember the last time he'd thought about the future in such an open, content way, not seeing darkness that he would inevitably fall into. Because now he had Pepper, and _God, she was beautiful when she smiled_...

Pepper laughed openly this time. "Tony, I've known you long enough to know that you are almost always up to something." She looked at him, seeing something different in his face. It was bright, and he looked perfectly happy. She never imagined that she could have such an effect on anyone, let alone the man that she loved so desperately.

"Point," He couldn't help but smirk at that. "I just can't believe this is really happening." He couldn't stomach the thought that this could just be another evil dream, that he'd wake up alone in the darkness. He loved her so much, he couldn't lose her now.

Pepper was having the exact same thought. "Is this really happening? I've wanted this so long, and now... This is so overwhelming."

"_You're_ overwhelmed. I'm barely functioning. This... this is all I need Pepper." He paused. "No, wait, I think I need to sit down." Their surroundings bled back into his consciousness and he looked around the lab with a grimace.

"That makes two of us. I've felt close to fainting for ten minutes." Pepper stepped over the mess on the floor and took a seat on one of the work benches. "I wish I hadn't thrown the scotch on the floor, I think I could use a drink right now,"

Tony sighed, following Pepper and collapsing into his chair next to her. "Yeah. But as you said earlier, I think I've drunk enough..." he wasn't even sure he was completely sober now, and he could definitely feel a headache coming on. "Probably a good thing you broke it," he said slowly.

Pepper smiled and chuckled a little. "I never said I'd give you any of the scotch. In any case, you seem to be sobering up pretty well. Are you ready to walk again?"

Tony looked up at her suspiciously, distracted from his attempt to catalogue the damage. "What? Why?"

"You need to eat something Tony, and I figured we'd go upstairs and I'd cook something for you, and give you something to prevent the hangover which is going to show up at any point now." She gave him a quizzical look. "Why else would I want you to walk anywhere?

Tony shrugged. "Don't ask me. Just didn't really think that there was a reason to move... what're you gonna cook?" He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten something proper, let alone a home-cooked meal.

Pepper hopped off the desk, carefully navigating across the mess. "I'm not sure what you have in the kitchen, so I have no clue what I can cook. If nothing else, I'll wing it." She smiled her eye sparkling smile, "And you should take some Alka-Seltzer. It'll prevent your hangover." Pepper looked over at him, and grabbed his hand and started leading him over to the door, "Come on, the mess can wait until you've eaten something."

Under normal circumstances Tony would have grumbled but now he allowed himself to be led across the floor, upstairs and into the kitchen, where he reseated himself in one of the chairs gingerly. Pepper dropped the alka-seltzer tablets into a glass, filled it with water, and handed it to Tony. She then went around the kitchen opening every cupboard, and the fridge. She managed to find an onion, and some eggs.

"You're kitchen is way too empty Tony, how have you not starved to death?" She scowled at him. "You need to start feeding yourself better."

Tony downed the water with practised ease. "Well, I guess I've got you to feed me now," he replied, smiling lazily at her.

She tried to hide her own smile. 'You've just scolded him, you can't be grinning like an idiot Pepper' she told herself. "I guess you do have me to feed you sometimes." She opened the last cupboard and found some rice. "Aha, I knew you had to have rice somewhere in here. Everybody has rice."

He frowned. "I had... no idea I had that. Or where it came from."

A few seconds later he grinned slyly, "and what do you mean, 'sometimes'?"

"Let's be fair about this Tony, I do have to go home once in a great while." Pepper's smile kept getting bigger. She always loved his sly smile. "It's not like I live here or anything."

Tony couldn't help himself. "Yet," he retorted immediately, completely focused on her. "And that can be easily... remedied."

Pepper nearly dropped the eggs, as she turned around to look at him. "What?" There was no way she had heard him properly.

Tony shrugged nonchalantly even though his insides churned nervously. "You could just move in... I mean, you spend 90% of your time here anyway... and it would save you money in the long run..." he trailed off, suddenly not feeling quite so confident.

Pepper stared at him for a moment. After a long silence she managed to find some words, "Tony, are you serious? I mean, this is big."

Tony nodded hard. "I told you, Pep, I'm not gonna be able to let you go." He looked up at her, desperately trying to communicate how much he wanted this, needed this... her.

The eggs broke and splattered on the floor and Pepper ran across the kitchen, flinging her arms around Tony to kiss him passionately. "Of course I'll move in with you." Tears of joy filled her eyes. "I'll start packing as soon as I get home."

Tony smiled widely, reciprocating eagerly as he shifted to pull her onto his lap and kissed her again. A few moments later he pulled back. "You'll stay with me tonight though, won't you?" he asked, feeling rather more vulnerable and broken all of a sudden. He couldn't face the idea of being alone tonight, of waking up tomorrow and without her and wondering if it had all been a dream after all.

"Of course I'll spend the night with you." She could see the fear in his eyes. "I'll move my stuff tomorrow, I don't want to be without you tonight." She kissed him once more, and smiled warmly. "I love you so much Tony."

"Love you too," he murmured a heartbeat later.


End file.
